As a young adult in college, returning to your hometown for the holidays can be a wonderful way to catch up with family and friends. However, it can also be stressful facing constant inquiries into every facet of your personal life, from school to dating. The holiday stress can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent young adults.
If you aren’t prepared, you might find yourself responding in an impulsive or defensive way. On the other hand, fear of how to handle these situations may have you acting avoidant, skipping events or steering clear of well-intentioned loved ones completely.
Rest assured: There’s no need to miss out on the festivities. With some advanced preparation, you can handle even the toughest questions while still enjoying the holidays. Discover some tips for maintaining your boundaries while navigating the busy social calendar of the season below.
ADHD/Autism and Boundaries Setting
Social pressure around the holidays can be intense for everyone. Neurodivergent people may feel extra pressure to meet expectations by “masking” or “social camouflaging.” However, this protective measure can cause anxiety and, more generally, leave you feeling pretty exhausted.
How can you cope? It starts with setting healthy boundaries. Autism/ADHD and boundaries setting isn’t always easy, so be intentional on this step. Grab your planner and make a list of the various events on your plate this holiday season, from family dinners to work events. Then, figure out which ones are must do’s and which ones you can skip.
When turning down invites, a polite but hard no is sufficient. Something like, “I won’t be able to make it. But I hope you all have fun!” is all you have to say. You don’t have to give reasons or justify yourself.
If you are looking at a busy holiday season, give yourself plenty of breaks. For instance, if you’re overwhelmed at a party, step into a quiet room to regulate your emotions before heading back into socializing.
Self care can also make a big difference. Set aside time for activities you enjoy that soothe you, like reading or journaling. It also helps to take care of your health, maintaining a regular sleep schedule and exercise routine.
Practice Healthy Communication
When you head out for holiday festivities, prepare mentally for the interactions you’ll have. Mostly, people ask questions simply because they want to engage socially. Some questions, however, may quickly become too personal or intrusive. Rather than shutting them down with short responses, practice your responses to common questions you might get, like:
- Are you seeing anybody special? You have two options here. Either pursue this conversational thread, sharing who you are or are not seeing—or pivot. If you choose to pivot, you might say something like “Not right now, but…” and then fill in some recent event or activity you experienced. “Not right now, but I did see a great new show the other day! Have you seen it?” or “Not right now, but I did try a great new recipe the other day. Do you want to try it?”
- What are your plans for the future? You can answer this question directly without any justifications. Say you’re working at a restaurant, for example. Instead of feeling the need to defend it by saying it’s “temporary” or “just while I’m in school,” talk about why you like the job—”You know I love great food!” Alternatively, if you don’t love the gig, try something like, “It’s not my dream job, but it works for me in this stage of life.”
- What are you up to lately? People often think they need to have a big, bold answer to this question. Instead, keep it short, sweet, and simple. Talk about activities or hobbies you’re into lately, whether it’s Pilates or pottery. It’s an engaging way to answer the question without getting into any touchy personal topics.
Whatever questions you may get, remember that this is supposed to be a two-way conversation, not an interview. Ask the other person questions as well! This is a great way to show reciprocal interest in the other person and to pivot the conversation into a more comfortable space. It turns the conversational spotlight onto them, giving you some breathing room. Phew!
While it can be a challenge at first, it’s important to practice self management when faced with uncomfortable questions. Remember, practice makes perfect, and the more you implement these tricks, the easier they will get.
Over time, the holiday stress that once seemed insurmountable will get less daunting—and you can enter the festive season with confidence.
New Frontiers provides neurodivergent coaching to help young adults thrive in all kinds of contexts, from school to career. Learn how we can help you.