You can say all the right things. You can offer calm advice, remind your child to take breaks, suggest they start their assignment earlier next time—and still be met with defensiveness, tears, or silence.
Sound familiar?
It’s not that you’re saying the wrong thing. It’s that you’re the parent.
In families, communication isn’t just about content—it’s about context. The same piece of feedback that lands gently coming from a teacher, coach, or even a friend can feel loaded or overwhelming when it comes from a parent. Not because the message is harsher, but because it’s filtered through the lens of the parent-child relationship.
“I Just Want You to Be Proud of Me”
Even if they don’t say it, most kids and teens deeply want their parents’ approval. They want to be seen, to be understood, and yes—to be impressive. It’s why encouragement from you means so much, and why even gentle criticism can sting so deeply. When feedback comes from a parent, it’s not just about the missed homework or messy room—it can feel like a reflection of their worth.
That pressure isn’t your fault. It’s baked into the attachment between parents and children. Your voice matters more to them than anyone else’s. And that’s exactly why the same comment might hit differently coming from someone else.
The Expanding Job Description of Modern Parenting
At its core, parenting is about love, protection, and values. But somewhere along the way, many parents have found themselves playing an ever-expanding list of roles:
- Executive function coach
- Homework supervisor
- Therapist for phone addiction
- Chauffeur
- Project manager
- College admissions consultant
- Distraction monitor
And still expected to be the calm, loving center of the household.
It’s no wonder many parents feel stretched, reactive, or discouraged. You weren’t meant to carry all of this. And your child wasn’t meant to experience your love only through reminders, redirections, and logistical planning.
So What Can You Do?
There’s no perfect answer—but there is relief in recognizing this dynamic for what it is.
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is reclaim your role as a parent—not a personal assistant. That might mean stepping back from micro-managing, and instead doubling down on what only you can give: your presence, your belief in them, your steadiness.
It may also mean partnering with outside support—so your child can receive guidance in a way that doesn’t complicate your bond. When someone else handles the strategy, it creates space for your relationship to breathe.
Because at the end of the day, your child doesn’t just need a reminder to start their essay. They need to know you see who they are, not just what they haven’t done.
And that—even when things are hard—you’re still proud of them.
